Some people thrive in relationships. They grow here and flourish there and it’s almost as if they don’t feel whole unless they are sharing their life with another. In fact, they might agree their best self comes out when they are with their special someone. I am kind of completely the opposite. I struggle to find that perfect balance, that place to grow and flourish, that feeling I am my best self. No, most of the time I just get weird.

I dated my first boyfriend for like six months of my freshman year of high school. Believe what you will and call it what you want, but my journal entries are pretty damn sure it was love. Until he broke up with me because he was in love with his best friend. (I literally just realized that must have taken some guts to tell me that straight up. You just don’t get that kind of honesty anymore. Respect, MF.) Pretty sure I built some incredible, indestructible walls that day as I ran to my best friend’s house to cry about how life was no longer worth living, because over the next 18 years, boyfriends seemed to have some pretty strange affects on me.

the ones that make you crazy
Have you ever been with someone who just makes you feel crazy? I mean before, you felt no crazier than the normal amount, but now you’re like totally nuts? In the embarrassing, can’t-take-that-crazy-talk-back kind of way, or the I-immediately-regret-what-I-just-did-right-there-but-I-swear-to-you-I-have-no-control-over-my-actions-around-you kind of way? Every emotion is so intense: the love, the hate, the adoration, the jealousy. You know just how to get under each other’s skin, just which buttons to push at the right/wrong time. You fight like crazy but love even harder and you are totally convinced all of it is intimate passion, and other people simply can’t understand. But then it turns unhealthy and toxic and maybe takes a weird spiral out of control and things happen. You do things you didn’t know you were capable of and say things you wish never crossed your mind. The good times are awesome, and the bad times are heartbreakingly bad. This crazy…not a good look for me.

the ones that make you fat
Oh who knows why this happens. Some people just make you fat. Six years ago I gained 30 pounds in a month. No joke, it’s in my electronic medical record. Convinced I had some freakish thyroid problem, I went to the doctor for some tests, but when they came back normal, she unsympathetically reminded me I was 26, my metabolism was slowing down, I ate too much shit, drank too much beer and didn’t exercise enough. Maybe she didn’t say it exactly like that, but that was definitely her point. I would like to note this is the same doctor who, while giving me my annual lady exam, also told me she thought I might be bipolar. Uh, Come again? What did you see down there that helped you come to that conclusion? Clearly, she is NOT to be trusted. Taking her past poor clinical judgment into consideration, I decided that no, I was fine, and concluded my boyfriend was making me fat. I’m not 100% clear on the facts supporting this conclusion, but once I’d reached it, I knew I had to escape for the well-being of my thighs. I still have my big girl pants from this painful era. Another awful (and fat) look for me.

the ones that make you insecure
Have you ever really, really liked someone and really, really wanted them to like you back? And then when they finally do, you have no idea what to do with yourself? Your excitement quickly turns to panic. What should be the awesomest time ever becomes this time filled with anxiety and confusion as you forget the basics of who you are and what you’re all about. You can never quite tell how they feel, or what they are thinking, and you don’t want to screw it up so you find yourself being extra cautious, filtering yourself, holding back. You become so self-aware, all of your shortcomings are magnified and you’re fearful he’ll notice them too. And then it’s 200% magnified if he does in fact at some point address your flaws. You lose your sense of self, your center, and try to make up for it by becoming something you are not, something you think he will like. You start to second guess everything you thought you knew. Yeah. That’s the worst look for me.

So, turns out, boyfriends just aren’t a good look for me. But I’m hoping BFs are like clothes. I’ve never been much into fashion. Maybe I’m just waiting for my fad.