When you spend over thirty hours in a car with someone you’re bound to learn something about them, and if you do it right, a little something about yourself. Some time around drive hour 20/song 4,345 on my iPod during our Québec City road trip, Christina glanced at me. You’d make a good truck driver. Why? Because I don’t need a lot of sleep, I can entertain myself for hours, and if I happen to get bored, I can just plug in my music and tirelessly sing along to every song, which is what I was doing loudly at that moment. She had a point. This is a career I never contemplated.

Before I could get lost in my daydream about me and my fictional trucker dog Freddie Mercury making waves in the international trucking world, Christina asked a question abruptly changing the course of my thoughts.

“Have you ever not pursued someone you wish you would have?”

I thought silently for a few moments, already knowing the answer.

No.

I remember watching soap operas with my mom when I was younger and experiencing major frustration with the idiocy of main characters for everything that happened. OMG. Just tell him you love him! He loves you too! I heard him tell that other girl! Wait, SERIOUSLY!!??! None of this would be happening if you would just TALK TO EACH OTHER. BE HONEST. Oh, for crying out loud. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Maybe those silly circular soap operas taught me something. I am very open with my feelings. I don’t play games; I don’t lie about how I feel. If anything, I’m probably too honest. I over-share, wear my heart on my sleeve. If I love you, I will tell you. If I am over it, I will tell you. I’ve been pigeonholed as a sort of a heartless B in the past because of this. The problem with me is you will always know what I am feeling because I cannot fake it. I dive in 100%. And when it’s over, I swan dive out. Some need time to process their feelings. I enter the shower in a relationship, I get out and tell my boyfriend I can’t move in with him, and actually, I don’t think we should date anymore either. I don’t drag things on, because in the end, that spares no one’s feelings.

(Side note, this same ex-bf actually sent me a message a few years later thanking me for my honesty and abrupt break-up method. At the time he was going through a messy de-engagement full of dishonest sketchiness, and appreciated my inability to pretend or sugarcoat. While he didn’t agree with me then, I never yanked him around. I felt strangely vindicated.)

So no. I have never not pursued someone I wish I would have. Am I too aggressive? Too persistent? Some people definitely think so, but others find me refreshing. Maybe some mysteriousness would do me good, but that’s just not my jam. I can’t help but pursue those I have strong feelings for, because I believe in my feelings. What’s the worst that could happen? Rejection? I’ve been rejected before, embarrassingly often. But to me, that’s better than thinking about the What If’s or watching your person walk off into the sunset with someone else without making a peep. I’d rather have it not work out or be rejected than not express my feelings. I’d rather know I did what I could. I’d rather fail than not try at all. I don’t think I could truly move on if I didn’t.

If I am not with the person I want to be with, it will never be because I haven’t told them how I feel.

“I’d rather be the one who loves, than to be loved and never even know.”
~ Josh Ritter