candy fetchers

beautiful cemetery in Sister Bay, Wisconsin, October 2013.

My sister sent me this Happy Halloween text this morning:


In my humble way-outside-of-the-parenting-circle opinion, parents seem pretty overprotective these days. I mean, with good reason, what with all the pedophiles, rapists, general perverts, specialized perverts, serial killers, gun-wielding mean people, alien abductions, crazy people, weird people (I fall into that category), idiots, politicians and priests out there.

Today’s parents have to worry about their children walking to school, their children actually just being at school, driving, drunk drivers, their kids driving drunk, bullies, the internets, To Catch a Predator, peer pressure, drugs and alcohol, football, soccer, hockey and head-injuries, guns, other people with guns, Toddlers & Tiaras, huffing, puffing, all the new crap kids find reasons to throw parties, Teen Mom, rape, terrorist attacks, shootings in pretty much any public place, to immunize or not to immunize?, global warming, trans-fats, eating organic, Honey BooBoo and people who get famous for being bossy, unhealthy, and making waaaay too many poor life choices, ARE EGGS GOOD FOR YOU OR NOT, DAMMIT, high-fructose corn syrup?!?!, too much television, violent video games, strangers, non-strangers.

But most of this stuff existed when my parents were kids. The media just hadn’t learned how to sensationalize it properly (aka, how can I profit from other people’s pain?) yet.

So in a world where all that stuff could affect your kid today or happen to your child tomorrow, I think it’s awesomely odd that parents just say, “screw you, bad crap” on Halloween and happily encourage kids to dress up like Dora and Explore the crap out of the neighborhood (or if you have really cool parents, they drive you to rich neighborhood across town where you get full-sized candy treats) by walking up to a hundred strange houses and demanding candy, which these strangers readily give, being threatened with some kind of “trick” if they don’t, perhaps involving the pulling down of one’s underwear. (Which also sounds shady in today’s world. It’s just a funny rhyme when you’re a kid. Sounds wrong with adult ears on.)

Nice work, parents. Though, let’s be honest. This is just a ploy to send your little monsters to fetch you candy, which you obviously eat all day while they are at school (ahem, mom). And those of you who take your babies? Babies who don’t even know what candy is, how to eat it, or even have teeth? I mean somebody has to eat that candy, right?

I’m not judging. I personally think Candy should be it’s own food group. I just eliminate the middle man and buy the jumbo bag of Willy Wonka treats for myself. WAY less work.

Trick or Treat
Smell my feet
Give me something good to eat
If you don’t
I don’t care
I’ll pull down your underwear

Happy Halloween.

Talk to me, Goose.

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